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| We don't even remember why we're fighting
So both of us are mad for nothing,
Fighting for nothing,
Crying for nothing,
But we won't let it go for nothing,
No, not for nothing
This should be nothing to a love like what we got Oh baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain,
But baby, can we make up now
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
I don't wanna go to bed mad at you,
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me,
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you,
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me... | | |
| As cheesy as it sounds, I have always believed that everything happens in life for a reason. And when I passionately believe in something, I have always faught for it with all my might. Because of this... I can always say, I have no regrets. I take comfort knowing I tried my hardest, and that I left nothing unsaid in my heart. At the end of it all, that is all I have the power to do. The rest is up to fate. I would never give back the love you gave me
I would never undo the past that made me
Even when the memories hurt
It would only make me feel worse
If I were to give back the love you gave me | | |
| Dear Year 2008,
I just wanted to tell you goodbye. I know, I'm a little bit late, but better late than never, right? I think, in all my years of living this this called life, I have never done as much learning, growing, and persevering than I have in the last year.
Let's be honest, things have never really been that hard for me. I'm grateful for that every day, believe me. Sure, I have been caught in stupid lies, like when I told my student I had to cancel because I had to stay late at work, only to reschedule with a friend of hers (whom I didn't know was her friend at the time - same grade, same school, I should have clued in). Sure, my high school crushes have found my mortifying notebooks on which I've scribbled, "Mrs. Michelle xxx" all over, and poured out my juvenile fantasies of us falling hopelessly in love and living happily ever after. Sure, I broke up with my bestf for stupid reasons (aka my pride) and didn't speak to another one for like a year. And sure, I've gotten into a few car accidents (of my own fault) in my life.
But these are all incidents that build character. That teach us the right from wrong, and that show us that looking back in retrospect, things were never as bad as they seemed, and the ability to be honest with yourself and others gets you pretty far in life. So perhaps, it is only fitting that I write this letter late... because now 2008 is what I see in the rear view mirror of my life, and looking forward, I have nothing but lessons and reminders to carry me on my life's journey.
2008 was really really tough, on so many levels. I know I haven't posted here in a long time, and it's partially because... I wasn't happy. I hate to blog when I'm not happy, because I know my friends read this, and then think it's about them, or think that it's their duty as my friend to make me feel better, so any blog honesty would be completely shot. (And really, what good is a blog when it's not genuine?) But really, this is my space - and not to be selfish, but it's not about anybody else, but me. And it's been a long time since I could truthfully say this... but I am happy again*, and it's because I've made decisions for nobody other than myself.
You know, it's probably really no secret that Steve and I weren't doing very well for much of the year. We became that couple that fights outside the bar, the couple that yelled at each other in the middle of the night, and the couple that had ugly fights. And you know, I'm not going to be cliche and say that every fight we ever had was productive - because there were the few that weren't. We almost gave up, more than once... Not just your "poker face" let's-break-up-but-really-I-just-want-you-to-know-what-you'd-be-missing, but the for real I'm-sorry-I-just-can't-do-this-anymore. But I think both of us were too stubborn to let the other have the first shot, so we never did. Our respective stubbornesses did us some good, haha. And over time, we have learned so much better how to communicate with each other and to do things for each other just because. That's not to say we don't still fight, but they are usually just petty.
And let's be honest, I pick most of the fights. (Steve, if you are reading this, that's not to say that I'm picking a fight about nothing, but maybe sometimes I need to let it go  .) You know, when I'm trying to pick and fight, and he doesn't bite, I have to really give him credit. It's so much easier to argue with someone than to be patient with them (and he is not the most patient person). But it has recent dawned on me that all these fights I pick stem from my insecurities. Insecurities that I wish would just go away. Ryan asked me the other day, "And since when do you care what people think anyway?!". And it just hit me. When did I become THAT person? I don't know why I'm being so insecure in Steve's love for me, because I really should have no reason for it. He shows me he loves me in ways that maybe don't exist in fluffy fairy tales, but in ways that exist in my happily ever after. It's when you really know what it means to have your breath taken away every single day (and really, I hope that even ten or twenty years down the line, these butterflies never go away), that you truly know that every fight, hardship, and stress was all worth it to get here. I respect him and our relationship more each day, just because I know how hard it was to fight through it all and find the light at the end of the very dark tunnel, and how either of us could have just done the easy thing and walked away at any moment**. But I think, more than anything, that is what Steve has taught me. To never give up, and if it seems impossible, to find another solution. I doubt he consciously lives his life this way, but it resonates from everything he does.
I don't even remember what I was planning to blog about when I started writing - I have totally digressed. But 2008, that was the year of learning to never give up, and while it was (and still is) a really hard lesson to learn, I'm glad I get to learn it while traveling the journey with someone who holds my precious heart in his hands - that's something I can't just take away in a moment's time and that makes giving up hard.
*Being unhappy is also pretty hard on my wallet since I like to engage in retail therapy when I am not happy... see all those shoes, and clothes I haven't even worn once sitting at the back of my closet? Yeah, that's what those are from. These days... I barely ever step foot into a mall anymore, unless of course I'm picking up my beloved leather Mackage jacket... but that's a whole other story  . To quote a favourite blog of mine, "Who knew that unconditional love could fill up the empty space in my heart where I used to store purses and shoes?" 
**See, I know there are people who think that the hard thing to do would have been to walk away, and that the easy thing to do is to stay in that comfort zone. I can't deny this is true in some situations, but for some reason, I think it would have been a lot easier for me to walk away than to stay and fight through the unhappiness, the vulnerable hurting moments, and the pain.
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| Okay, indulge me in some self pity. I've come to this mega horrible realization. I've been totally putting off looking for a new job even though I've known for quite some time now that I'm going to be laid off. I think I've gotten layoff notices so many times, that I just don't take them seriously anymore... But, this time, it actually seems real. We're selling off our fixed assets at work, and packing up all our paperwork into bankers boxes, and my cash flow spreadsheet only goes until the end of February... this is like severely depressing, and I just don't want to face the music... for several reasons. First of all, I've just been totally totally totally spoiled. If you know where I can find another job that pays pretty good money where I really only work half of the 8:30am - 4pm day that I'm supposed to work, please let me know. Oh, and they have to throw in paying for my CGA fees too, plus great benefits, plus a free parking spot, oh and most importantly, a great boss. *Big sigh*. Okay, I need to face the music. I've just been lucky, and if I think my next job is going to be this great again... I'm dreaming... (Okay, and I'm also secretly hoping that my boss comes up with some wonderful idea for a new company and takes me along with him, which I'm sure he'll do if he does come up with something... but I don't think he's going to. Okay, yeah, I'm a total dreamer.) Plus, I have to admit, this isn't doing anything for my personal development! Why can't I admit I'm just being a slacker?! Because I'm just so ashamed to be one... As much as I joke around about slacking off at work a lot, when there is a deadline, you can bet I'll make it. And you can bet I do my work efficently and accurately probably twice as fast as your average person. But, I am a major procrastinator, and I don't worry about things until I see the deadline fast approaching... but it's because I'm so good at what I do, and I don't really have to learn anything new at my job... Okay, I can't believe I'm admitting this all in a public space. The truth is, I'm just so scared. (You've probably already figured that out by now.) I know, I'm such chicken shit (and now I'm calling myself out before anyone else can). I don't know what working a full day, plus tutoring, plus school is going to do to me. And what if I can't handle it, what if I fail? Please don't let me turn into one of those people... you know, the ones who are tired like all.the.time. I will never ever in my whole life value making more money higher than I value my destress time... and some people think this contradicts with the way I tutor so much. Well, it doesn't. I don't really tutor for the money (even though it is nice) - I tutor so much because I have a heart... and I don't want to see my students fail because I truly care about (most of) them as friends. But I mean, even asides from the whole fact that I have to "really" work now, and probably for less money than I'm getting paid now, it just makes me so sad to see Twinstrand die. It's so sad that our drug could potentially prolong or save tons of lives, but Phase I just isn't good enough in today's economy. It's so depressing watching people pour so much of their lives into something they believe in so much, and still do even though it's "failing" them at the moment, and having it go almost no where... And I love my boss. Not like the creepy I-want-to-have-your-kids kinda love. The love that's just full of so much respect, admiration, and appreciation that I don't ever know how to say thank you for or to express in words... You know, he started the company because he wanted to save lives, and maybe he hasn't succeeded at that, but he has definitely made an impact on my life, and probably everyone else who has ever worked at Twinstrand. And through it all, he has always treated me as if I was just as valuable to the company as he is... even though he makes five times more money and has a PhD and like tons of experience in doing what he does. He has a kind heart... I guess that is all I can say. (Okay, I'm totally going to write him a goodbye card, because really, this all can't go unsaid.) (I read that the third Monday of January is the most depressing day of the year... I'm starting to believe it.) But I digress. I'm just so scared of failure. There, I said it. I'm going to face my fears, and get my butt in gear. So today, I decided to stop being a wussy, and start facing my fears. I applied to a couple jobs today, and I'm having an interview for one tomorrow . They don't pay as much as I would like, but interview practice is always good, and besides, I have to at least start giving other jobs a shot! I have two (guaranteed) paycheques left at Twinstrand (maybe until the end of February, but no guarantees yet)... and I don't want to apply for EI!!! And I have a goal of paying off my car by June that I fully intend to keep, obstacles or not! Wish me luck!!! *Crossing fingers* | | |
| Some eloquent words from Miss Cheese over at Weddingbee:
I thought I knew, long ago when I was planning my first wedding, why people got divorced. My parents were divorced. Many of my relatives were divorced. I didn’t have any friends that were divorced, but that’s just because I was young, too young for anyone to have been married yet, much less divorced. I thought that people got divorced because they weren’t right for each other. I thought that people got divorced because they grew apart, or because they wanted different things out of life. I thought that people weren’t good companions, or had different ideas of what was fun, or just didn’t like each other very much. I thought that people got divorced because they weren’t realistic about marriage — that they didn’t think about divorce when they decided to get married, didn’t think it would happen to them, didn’t imagine that it could happen to them. And so, I thought about it, a lot. I considered whether he was the right man for me, tested our ability to stick it out once the masks came off, was comforted that we knew each other really well and had the same goals and dreams. Most of the reasons that I thought people got divorced had to do with the beginning of their relationship (reread the paragraph above and you’ll see that it’s true). Did you pick the right person? Did you consider the alternatives? Do you know where you want to go (and does he, and are they the same place)? I was wrong.
We got divorced not because we were wrong for each other (though that’s the comforting thought that I retreated to for years), we got divorced because we forgot that love is a verb, not a noun, and that it’s most important when it’s hardest. We got divorced because we pushed apart instead of pulling together, in hundreds of little ways that added up. We got divorced because we thought that if the big things were in place, the little things didn’t matter… but they do, even more, because those little things are what make your life what it is. And me, I also got divorced because I couldn’t, wouldn’t ask for the solace and comfort that I needed, didn’t set aside my sense of self-preservation to be loved. Success in a relationship is a tough and sometimes lonely road, and failure is often easier to justify. I know this, having done both. Failing at being a good partner feels better. I can convince you — and myself — that I was justified in not forgiving, in not forgetting, in not being understood or loved. I can go to lunch with a girlfriend and we’ll talk about how horrible and wrong he’s been, how insensitive, how unthoughtful. And it might even be true. But being a successful partner means accepting that, and forgiving, and loving, and choosing to stay and fight for us rather than doing what feels good, even when it’s best for me as an individual or when pushing away can be justified. I thought that being married would mean I’d never be lonely, and so when I was, I thought it was my marriage that was the problem and not my expectations. I thought that if the big things were in place, the little ones wouldn’t matter, when in fact those little things are dangerously capable of pushing you away from the one you love. Nothing is too small to be a threat. I thought that venting my frustrations and looking for solace in other people was okay, and it might have been, had I also been able to go to my husband and ask for comfort. I thought that asking for what I needed meant that something was wrong, but that’s part of growing up — knowing and asking for what you need, because people aren’t mind readers. Talking to your fiancé about everything before you get married is good and necessary. Making sure that you know him well and are compatible is important. Thinking ahead and envisioning what you might do or say during the tough times will help. But in the end, being married is a daily commitment, to honesty and fairness, to submission of some of your individuality to the needs of your family, to enough maturity and trust to ask for something you need. There are times that you want to rail against the unfairness of what is, and you can, but you must also accept that whether it should be isn’t the question - it’s what you’ll do next that’s important. Or else divorces happen. If I could go back, I would tell myself this: you must believe that there is no such thing as divorce, that you will get through the tough times together, that he will be his best if you are your best, and if you’re not, you will be again. Relationships are sometimes a game of chicken, with either of you waiting for the other to do the hard thing first. Whether you think it’s right or fair, you be the one to do the hard thing first. Be willing to hope and try and get your heart broken, because it will be, even though you’re married, it will; but this man can help you heal the hurt if you let him. If you feel that you must make a choice, make it be about how you’ll recover together, not about whether you’ll recover together. Vow to get help when things get bad, even if you don’t think you need it. It’s not being disloyal; it’s being human. And give yourself time. Nothing will ever be as bad as it might seem in the moment, and if it takes a bit of loneliness to make it through, you can handle it. Print your vows and display them where you can see them when things get tough, and use them as a meditation or prayer if you need to. You’re loved, and you will love in return. You must believe. | | |
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